Healing Takes Time

My Father past away earlier this month. I’ve never lost anyone in my life. Not one person. I have always been the one to console others in those moments of loss. As years went on I had always thought to myself, what would that day feel like. What kind of emotions would surface.

You know that feeling when someone just pops into your head for know reason? They say that’s spirit trying to tell you something important about that person. Fast forward six months later is when I found out that he was still alive. A relative from Guyana who connected with me through Facebook sends me a message asking me if I an Robert Wall’s Daughter. ‘Yes, and who is this I send back. ‘I am your sister’. “WTF!!!” and it didn’t stop there. He had fathered up to 17 kids from what we know. Skipping out on every one except for us. He stayed for 21 years. I was 15 at the time, and I started to think that if something didn’t happen soon, we would all live a miserable life. We were to afraid to get rid of him. How were you going to get this giant out of this house. It was an unspoken bond that we as siblings would never move out of the house while our Mother was still with him. We would not have been able to protect, even though deep down we all knew that once we reached of age, we would no longer had to live under their roof, We couldn’t just leave her there. I was at a women’s retreat in the city and one of the questions that we had to answer was, ‘ what was the most memorable in your childhood?… My answer was,…’ It was when I call the police on my father. I am not proud of that, That’s not a memory that you want sticking out in your mind. but it was the day that the shackles came off! No more sneaking around behind his back, no more feeling scared and anxious every time we’d walked into the house or when he walked in for that matter. I had prayed and wished for a reason to get rid of him, long before that. I believed he had the potential to kill my Mother. When you see family members, supposed loved ones hurting another human being… You’re own flesh and blood, the woman you said I do too. If you’re capable of doing such mean acts , then whose to say you wont take it to the next level. I prayed with conviction, please God, give me one reason…
Please, I can no longer live like this… they got into an argument that night, it was normal in our house , but it had been a while. it began to escalate, but this time we siblings were a lot older now… The opportunity came, and I didn’t think twice… it had to happen.

He was escorted out of the house in Markham in handcuffs that night. God had answered my prayers. The nightmare was over. We could all finally breathe a sigh of relief. I can only speak for myself when I say he was mean, mean man. He was possessive and violent. he was never faithful or truthful. I really knew nothing about him on a personal family level, because he never talked about them, or maybe I was just to scared to ask.

Nonetheless, He’s gone now. I still have yet to process this. I’m not sure what I’m mourning, his passing or all the grief he caused… I’m not sure. But a friend told me that it’s ok if you don’t feel the way others do about his passing. Your experience with him was different, and if you feel guilty that you’re not mourning in the ways that are expected when someone passes…DON’T!!!! You have a right to your feelings.. PERIOD! And if it takes a while for me to release those feeling of anger and hurt, then that’s ok too. There’s no timeline for forgiveness. I really felt like if I forgave him for everything, right ASAP that I could move on. But the reality is, forgiveness takes time.
It’s going to take some time… BUT!… Who FUCKING CARES!… who cares how long it takes…It’s you’re life and you’re living it. Take all the time you need, that the only way the process can take place smoothly. there will be tears (There already has been)… there will be hurt and anger, but the reality is…Its all ok….

AFFIRMATION: I AM SAFE TO SPEAK THE TRUTH

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