Letting Go

I am letting go of me and holding on to You Lord   https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=695841410432303:

I am a Mom of three and have been in a relationship with my partner, their Dad for 12 years. I really don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to relationships, especially when it comes to comes to the opposite sex. When it comes to relationships, my parents weren’t the best example, and most of my friends at the time were of a single parent household.

So of course  when I watched sitcoms like the Cosby show, I naturally believed that all problems and issues between a couple, could be resolved easily under a 30 min time slot.

I always believed that if Mr.& Mrs. Huxtible could work through their differences, then surely my parents could…. They never did. They separated when I was a teenager, and much to all of our relief.

I can’t lie. I was heartbroken. I was heartbroken that this image that I saw on TV, this image that I now know as an illusion, this image that I saw some of my friends enjoying with their two parent loving household was never going to be me for a long time to come. I was heartbroken that my life wasn’t going to be like that and that a person had to leave in order for us to have peace and freedom. Or so I thought…

Losing that one male figure in my life (My Father) . Never truly getting the opportunity to witness a loving male figure or a loving relationship for that matter, sent me down a crazy spiral of trying to find qualities in men even though I didn’t know what qualities I was looking for. I didn’t even know what qualities I was looking for in myself when it came to  being in a relationship. I had nothing. All I knew was that I didn’t want to be anything like my parents and more like Mr. & Mrs. Huxtible.

Fast forward to the present day. I am more clear about the qualities that I am looking when it comes to myself and my relationship. We have been through our ups and downs, (a lot of downs!) lol! but sometimes there is that difficult thing of letting go of the past. We both grew up in a single parent household. No Dads really in the picture and no real solid loving relationship between the opposite sex to model after.

All I’m saying is that I just want to get this relationship thing  right! I just want to get this two parent, couple, man and woman, husband and wife, partner and partner thing right!

But first I need to let go! I need to let go of this false image, this illusion that everything can be fixed in a half hour. I know now that it can’t and that all couples have their ups and down. Every now and then, my mind resorts back to that way of thinking. That perfect image of a relationship that I’ve wanted so bad, ever since I was a kid. With any little hiccup, I crash. My image of myself and my relationship as a whole just crashes and I want to scrap the whole thing.

EPIPHANY!!!

You know sometimes when we say “We’re tired” in a relationship?. Perhaps it means that we are tired of chasing that image, that illusion, that perfect sitcom couple. I need to let go of the thought that I don’t want to end up like my parents because I am not them. We are not them. we are us!. We are not going to solve every problem in record time, we are not always going to see eye to eye (My partner is 6’7), but if  I can learn to let go of the past, then I am positive that we will be able to see clearly the rainbow ahead.

 

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